Untitled "Hallmark" Movie Project
A Silly Christmas Draft
I did poetry and comedy at a burlesque variety show last weekend. One of the pieces I performed is brand new (a.k.a. NEW SHIT! for my Poetic Underground pals).
If you read my last post you know I’ve been spending time watching Hallmark and Netflix Christmas movies the last couple of months while I was “working on material” (a.k.a. enjoying substances…but also legitimately researching and writing).
Well, here is that material! (Well, part of it. The other part is NSFW 😏.)
It’s a Mad Lib-esque piece! So it starts with a few questions, and then you’ll carry your answers into the poem(?). I still consider this to be a work in progress/draft but I’m very excited about it and wanted to share it.
Questions:
What is your job title?
What celebrity would you most like to meet?
What is the worst Christmas song?
Untitled Hallmark Project
Act 1
You are a Big City (job title) and of course, it’s Christmas time, so you’re visiting your family which means a trip to the small town where you're from. In this version of the Matrix, main characters can only be from small towns.
Everything about visiting your family seems normal until your least favorite relative (probably that weird uncle) cracks wise about your biggest insecurity which is being single because in this version of the multiverse, your romantic attachment is the most important part of your life.
As a result of this fight, you storm off to the local grocery store because your mom needs more marshmallows for her Midwestern fruit “salad” to perfect her Christmas dinner.
There you are: skulking through the aisles when you knock over the giant Santa display made out of maraschino cherry jars. It’s a metaphorical blood bath meant to represent your life!
But low and behold (celebrity) comes to the rescue with a magic twinkle in their eye and an orgasmically soft, pine-scented sweater with an absurdly cute picture of a gingerbread juggling candy canes and ornaments.
Act 2
The next day you need to run a boring work errand so you run to the combination Starbucks/Xerox place because your small town can’t afford to have multiple buildings for things.
Inside the combination mailroom and coffee shop a young child approaches you. They’re dressed like a Nutcracker and incessantly singing (the worst Christmas Song) until you feel like your head is gonna explode while you’re waiting in line.
Suddenly you snap and shout “Santa isn’t real!” The kid starts crying, and who comes up from behind the counter? It’s (celebrity)! And turns out Nutcracker Kid is somehow related to them in a way that won’t complicate your impending romance and/or relationship but will piss (celebrity) off.
Now all the Christmas magic between the two of you is gone!
Act 3
Later that day, still in search of your climax, you find your way to the Town Tree Lighting Ceremony. But when you arrive something is wrong. The Nutcracker kid is struggling to light the tree. They can’t get the advent calendar box open where the key is kept which seems like an oversight on the town’s part but we’ll overlook it.
You and (celebrity) work together to help Nutcracker Kid to solve the puzzle and overcome their nerves. Then the tree blazes to life once you decide to give up your big city career as a (job title) and move back to this small town to be with (celebrity).
You kiss! The crowd cheers! A stranger who looks vaguely like Santa winks at Nutcracker Kid and vanishes into the crowd.
You also save Uncle Earl’s farm somehow, even though you didn’t know it was in danger to begin with.
And then the credits roll.