Holiday Touchdown

A High Hallmark Movie Review

Do I really need to do a spoiler alert for a Hallmark movie? If so, here it is.

If you watch Holiday Touchdown you may walk away feeling like you just watched a movie about a hat. And you did. But it’s not just a hat! It’s Christmas! It’s the Chiefs! It’s Donna Kelce playing someone who is not not Donna Kelce.

The thing about Hallmark movies is that they take an otherwise innocuous plot and pump it full of drama and the height of human emotion. Plus Christmas!

The main premise:

The main character and her family are finalists to win Fan of the Year for the Chiefs because they have a magic hat that helps the Chiefs win the Super Bowl. (Yes, they explain the 50-year gap. And yes, there’s a tragic reason we didn’t win it that one year.)

This time the Boy is the big city business person and the Girl is the small-town love interest. I know what a twist! I won’t be using names in this review, because frankly, I already forgot them (or never learned them, because I was high…).

Taking an edible and watching a Hallmark movie premiere live on the Hallmark Channel is like taking a mental trip to Disney World (except it’s Hallmark World—coincidentally they opened an immersive experience in KC this year and yes I’m going and will report back).

Even the commercials are cinematic and they all have inside jokes. Hallmark is in on its own ridiculousness! To what end, I’m not sure. But it is fun!

For example, in one commercial they make fun of trying to recreate a Hallmark movie moment (the one where a character gets a baking ingredient, like powdered sugar or icing, on their cheek and/or nose and the love interest wipes it away with ripe (but also chaste) sexual tension)...

and in Holiday Touchdown they make fun of those kinds of moments (the mom and grandma are in the kitchen trying to figure out if they can recreate the kind of moment for the main characters, they even say “that’s how it happens in the movies!” when the not-yet-lovebirds roll their eyes)...

and then that exact kind of moment happened in the movie in act 3 anyway! It’s all incredibly, delightfully meta. Like look out MCU, there’s a new girl in town.

Some other unbelievable movie moments:

1) How they are horrified to learn he is a soccer fan?? In Kansas City?! How dare he. As if we didn’t just open the first women’s soccer stadium and aren’t hosting the World Cup in whatever year that is happening.

2) When he says he doesn’t believe the hat is why we won the Super Bowl, she’s absolutely HEARTBROKEN. She thought she’d finally found someone special, but was let down again. Excuse me? She’s known this man for maybe 6 hours at this point.

To be fair, I was high, so my timeline might be a little wonky, but it was still such a short time to be that devastated. She should maybe consider seeing a therapist to work out the emotional angst that she projected onto this brand new relationship that’s not even a relationship at that point, just several meet cutes for at least ⅔ of the movie and a severe conflict of interest for the Fan of the Year competition (He works for the Chiefs somehow, another detail I missed 🍃)

3) They got to kiss twice in this movie. Hallmark is turning up the sexy dial these days.

The other thing about a Hallmark movie is that the crisis always comes to a head with about 10 minutes left in the movie to solve the problem. But it’s ok, because it turns out, the hat isn’t really important. Family is important. Faith is important. Yada yada Hallmark shilling.

If I were to explain this Hallmark plot badly:

A family of conspiracy theorists learns the true meaning of Christmas is not the Chiefs winning the Super Bowl (but it’s also not /not/ about the Chiefs winning the Super Bowl).

Clever that they didn’t include whether or not the Chiefs were making it to the Super Bowl in this movie.

Also, Santa stole the hat. Santa is an actual thief. But I guess it’s ok, because he gives it back once she’s learned the true meaning of Christmas is falling in love with the handsome skeptic you met 3 weeks ago.

All in all 10/10 classic Hallmark experience if you ask me, but that might also be the gummy talking.