10 Gifts to Get Your Pet Introvert/Writer Friend

‘Tis the silly season

I work in marketing so I know what season it is before you do. Here are the top 10 ideas I had for what you should get if you’re wondering what to buy your reclusive writer friend (or any writer even if they’re not a recluse, maybe I’m just projecting).

1. Pens

They probably have a specific one they like. You can ask them or just spy on them. See which pen upsets them the most when you borrow it and don’t return it. They’ll probably forgive you if you buy them more of said pen as a result.

2. Notebooks

Make sure they’re compostable because they will be filled with coffee-stained garbage drafts. If they’re too pretty, they’ll end up dusty on a shelf unused because of your writer friend’s imposter syndrome.

If you think they don’t have imposter syndrome, they do. It’s part of how you earn your “I’m a real writer,” badge which sounds counter intuitive.

3. Coffee Mug

Surely they don’t own one already that they use almost exclusively and this gift will not end up dusty on the shelf like the too pretty notebooks. You will have to find the PERFECT mug to achieve this, the one mug to rule them all, if you will.

4. A New Computer

Be sure to also buy them an ice coffee that they can promptly spill on it! That’s a very important part. It will give them the emotional damage and guilt they need to continue sitting around not finishing their manuscript.

5. Stickers

Wait, this is actually a good idea. Bitches (gender neutral) love stickers.

6. Books

We are dragons who hoard words instead of gold and will be pleased with further offerings for our lair. Don’t expect us to read it though, that would be too much. We simply wish to adorn our caves—I mean homes…

7. Cash

Cold hard cash is easy and appreciated because it respects our autonomy or something. But you can use gift cards cards if you want to encourage certain habits—like if your writer forgets to eat maybe the grocery store as a not-so-subtle hint. You can’t go wrong with gas cards or their favorite coffee shop or the bookstore (see gift 6 again). I’m having a hard time turning this one into a joke because we live in a capitalist hellscape. 

8. Substance of Choice

For legal reasons I am not *officially* advocating for anything illegal…but everyone has that specific thing they use to take the edge off. 

9. Cat

There’s no way this present can backfire. It’s only a whole lot of new responsibility wrapped in a cute fuzzy face. They’ll be too in love with their new friend to be mad at you. Unless they’re deathly allergic, then you’ll have bigger problems.

10. A Cabin in the Woods

This is truly what every writer craves: uninterrupted time to write (or at least uninterrupted time with the option to write).

Get them a cabin. Lock them in it and tell them they can’t come out until they finish their work-in-progress. Don’t let them out no matter what they say. 

Try to ignore that this sounds like the beginning of a horror movie. Worst case scenario maybe they’ll earn some wilderness skills. Oh, didn’t I mention? You’re gonna take their car too. They’ll have to hoof it 40 miles to the next tiny town. Maybe leave them some snacks though.